I dunno. I'm in a pretty uhg mood right now. Depression and plain built up rage just kinda needs to be let out I guess. It sucks when you can't sleep, but you really want to. All that happens is you lay in bed, stare at the wall or ceiling, and think. Usually I'm able to keep good thoughts in my head, like perhaps something that happened over the passed couple days that I'm pleased with, and so on. Tonight I just can't. I've been laying there for hours just thinking about what's wrong, and it sucks.
It's not one big specific thing, but a ton of small things that I've just kept inside for a long time. I guess I'll just pick the biggest topic I want to rage about. Family, really. My family, as hard as they try, can't think of others for the life of them. My mom is pretty alright, being that she managed to take care of me up until now, but as it may seem I am supporting her very much with paying bills and such.
As ranted about a while back, I claimed I was going to eat better and get proper exercise to become a bit more fit, and I told her that over and over, yet she still fucks me up. Being that she is the only one able to do the grocery shopping, I have no way of being there with her to slap her hand and tell her no when she ONLY GETS FUCKING JUNK FOOD. She came home supporting me once with healthy crap like fruits and low cal/low fat meals, and that was when I first brought up me wanting to better myself. After that it's the same shit, over and over. Here's the HUGE reason I've overweight at all, and that's peanut butter. My mom thinks that every meal can be a peanut butter jelly fucking sandwich, and I'm so sick of it it's unreal. Peanut butter is decent for you once a day, and at a very small amount. She buys jars upon jars of peanut butter and jelly, with loafs of bread, and claims it's only because it's what we can afford.
FUCKING MEAT PRODUCTS. Sliced assorted meats are NOT expensive, and a HELL of a lot better for you than peanut butter 3 times a day. Those sandwiches don't even fill you up! Even ramen would be a nice substitute right now, but nope. Here's her grocery list every time she goes shopping -
That's my entire life's diet plan. Seriously, what the hell? If I had a way to the grocery store uhg I'd get so much better crap. Hell, my dream is to live off fruit, LOL. I love fruit more than any other food, it's amazing. I just don't understand what drives her to get that junk every single time she goes shopping. Drop the peanut butter and jelly for a pack of bologna or ham or something. It's going to end up cheaper, you can get more, and you can freaking eat it 3 times a day without getting fat as fuck.
Good news is, I get paid here tomorrow or possibly today. I'll be ordering an exercise bike and will TRY to work off most of the weight I've gained over the years. Also, don't think I'm like some sort of monstrous blob, haha. I am overweight but not THAT overweight. I just want to feel comfortable in my own body, you know?
Yea, that's about it I think. I feel better now, it's good to blow off steam, heh. Sorry to just kinda throw all of this out there, in case you actually read through all of it. :p